Cordelia is back with more shocking stories from the ER!
What you guys don’t know from my last blog post is that after graduating from college I perused my EMT license. Of course we always get the “what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen?” question (if you’re one of those people… stop… right now) but no one ever asks us what the best/funniest/most outrageous thing we’ve ever seen was.
I decided to reach out to a Facebook community of over 80,000 fellow EMTs and medics from all over the globe (again). Hilarity ensued and this was what was produced from the post.
Here’s part three…
1.)
“Walk inside and the kid is sitting in the kitchen with his girlfriend at his side. Turns out she cut him. Apparently she gets off on cutting her partners and dripping their blood on her. She just cut him a little too bad and he couldn’t take it, passed out on top of her.
I couldn’t help myself so I asked if they at least finished. She smiled and said “twice”. He didn’t smile. Called back to the very same house a month later for the same damn thing. I walk in the door like, “are you fucking kidding me?” Same girl, but a different guy. Apparently the first one had enough.”
2.)
“Working in ED in 1980s. EMS brings man and woman on single stretcher literally locked in the missionary position. During nookie nookie time, her iud hooked his foreskin. They took a trip to the OR together too.”
3.)
“My neighbor is an x-ray at a hospital. Guy came in with a zuccinhi up his ass. Apparently, he let his wife go to town on him with it and went too far, couldn’t get it back out.”
The adventure continues…
4.)
“Not my call, but a coworkers. Guy cheating on his wife was taking his mistress to pound town and she liked it rough so he really pulled out to ram her. Problem was… He missed the target and rammed her tailbone and broke his dick in half. Ems shows up to the hotel and it looks like a murder scene. Even the girl has bloody handprints on her back. The situation actually was a true emergency because the guy had lost so much blood from his penis only about 25% still attached he was going into hypovolemic shock.”
5.)
Sex (alone) most definitely sent him to the ER. #AlwaysUseTheBuddySystem [See x-ray image]
6.)
“This couple went to the therapist and was told to spice up their love life. So he had his wife in his arms holding her up and was banging her on the front door when the dog came by made him lose his balance and drop her on the tile and give her a concussion. He had claw marks on his neck from her.”
7.)
“This couple was doing it doggy style and she kept saying harder and tougher till he grabbed her ponytail and yanked so hard it broke her neck.”
8.)
“Call was for a hemorrhage…when asked what happened pt. Stated he and wife are into bdsm when she whipped him with a cat of nine tales it whipped around and lacerated his penis…almost cut it off…5 surgeries later he said he was good as new”
9.)
“Couple was going at it doggy style and her head hit the head board, she ended up with a C2 fracture in her neck.”
10.)
“A couple decided to invite a third to their party… But it wasn’t enough to satisfy the woman even with two men so they decided to try using a wine bottle as a toy. Geniuses didn’t even replace the cork for fear that it would dislodge and pop inside her. Of course it created a suction and had to be broken at the bottom of the bottle so that it would release and could be removed.”
11.)
“An old partner of mine responded to a college dorm for an “entrapment”. They arrive to find a young man in bed on his back with a very noticeable mound over his groin/thigh area. The mound waved hi and mumbled something. It seemed her new tongue ring got entangled in his Prince Albert….& because of the obviously small space they were working in, the decision to transport was made—much to the dismay of the young lady.”
12.)
“…some guy they had to get Fire out to effectively jackhammer through cement to release the guy’s dick from the pool filter sucking-in-nozzle in his in ground pool because he got swollen and couldn’t get free.”
Be careful with where you stick things, always know where the safety releases… or keys for that matter, are, and do your best to make sure you’re not a call we’ll remember for years to come.
Cordelia can be reached at: cordeliamichaelson@gmail.com
and at @CMichaelsonblog
