We’ve got some EMERGENCY sex education for you

Guest blogger cordelia shares some sex fails straight from the er.

So when Tawney asked me to write another blog, I wracked my mind and failed to come up with something I thought would be interesting. Sex isn’t a topic that I typically talk about openly and the first blog post was one that was, admittedly, super personal and straight from the sooooul But as it happens… my warped little head waited until it was 2am and I was juuuuuuust on the verge of falling asleep and BAM… an idea popped into my head.

Sex SNAFU’s… as told by an EMT.

What you guys don’t know from my last blog post is that after graduating from college I perused my EMT license. Of course we always get the “what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen?” question (if you’re one of those people… stop… right now) but no one ever asks us what the best/funniest/most outrageous thing we’ve ever seen was.

I decided to reach out to a Facebook community of over 80,000 fellow EMTs and medics from all over the globe. Hilarity ensued and this was what was produced from the post.

THE ORIGINAL POST:

“Here’s the deal, I am writing a blog and one of the ideas I had was the best/worst sex fails that landed someone in the ER via ambulance. So let me hear it, the funniest, craziest, most cringe worthy most outrageous sex fail you’ve been dispatched to was….”

ALL CHOKED UP

“I wasn’t dispatched to this call… the call was me… a crew I was familiar with picked me up. I was getting choked during intercourse, things got too rough and he actually fractured my Larynx. Going back to work was… interesting.”

(Cordelia comments: As an EMT, one of my WORST FEARS is someone from a crew I know coming to a call I placed… I have this growing irrational fear of slipping in the shower and them finding me naked… I feel for this girl)

VERACITY OF VEGETABLES

“When I was working on my clinical hours, this younger guy came into the ER complaining of severe abdominal pain. When we were in the room going over what happened, he told us he and his girlfriend were experimenting and he got a vegetable stuck up his ass. Later that day when the girlfriend came to get him and the nurse was going over instructions for release – the girlfriend balked when a comment was made about being more careful with vegetables in and his rectum. Turns out, she had no part in what happened. I distinctly remember her yelling “You called me out of work for this?!”

HEART-STOPPING SPARKLES

“During my clinic hours this guy came into the ER, he was probably in his thirties and started coding (cardiac arrest). This guy was COVERED in glitter. We were able to bring him back and found out he started having chest pains while screwing a hooker. Turns out she was waiting for him in the lobby…when she came back in the room to see him… I kid you not, she was dressed like a kinky clown plastered in glitter.”

REVENGE OF THE RODENT

“Two guys were fighting with each other about whether one of them was cheating or not earlier that day. When things got heated in the bedroom and they got down to some anal foreplay, one guy stuck a gerbil up there.”

(Cordelia comments: I have questions…like where do you get a gerbil? How do you not know this is about to happen? DID THE GERBIL LIVE? Why is this a common occurance… Jesus, people stop putting furry rodents in places they don’t belong!)

WHAT’S UP, DOC?

“The first call I was ever dispatched to involved a young ginger. The kid was bangin’ a 5ft bugs bunny, then proceeded to fake chest pains so his parents wouldn’t get mad at him. He thought he wasn’t going to get in trouble when they ER staff told them there was nothing wrong. Not only was Bugs crotch cut open but it was wet. The golden zinger was the family was extremely religious, the mother was hysterically crying while screaming sinner at the top of her lungs.”

THE HARSHEST SEX EDUCATION

“Penis fracture. So. Many. Penis fractures.” *Said in a super haunted tone with extremely vacant eyes*

WRONG BAIT

“A fishing hook. In the guy’s dick. WHO FISHES NAKED?! This is what we deal with in rural counties.”

JUST A TRIM

“I worked as a corrections officer for 25 years. One guy had a condition where he couldn’t feel pain. He got hold of a pair of nail clippers and decided to attempt suicide by removing his testicles to bleed out. He cut his sack off…with nail cutters…and didn’t make a sound doing it.”

JUST SAY NO

“This one girl shoved a Florida Cane Toad in her vagina because someone told her it would cause a psychedelic effect and enhance pleasure… All it did was make her vag the size of a grapefruit and systemically sick.”

ALWAYS KEEP A SPARE

“Dispatched to an unknown medical emergency. Next door neighbor called 911 to report sounds of screaming coming from the house next to them, someone yelling for help. Police, fire and ems are all dispatched. Police clear the scene, fire gets a door open and when they finally found the source of the screaming, it was a 20yr old female blindfolded handcuffed to the bed, on top of her was a unconscious male almost twice her age. Turns out he went to stand up and the fan (that was on) happened to catch him in just the right spot to knock him out. They spent the next twenty minutes looking for the keys after he was taken away in the ambulance while she was on the bed covered with another blanket. She had no idea where he had put the keys.”

I don’t know about you guys, but I had a lot of questions after going over some of these. Mostly, who the hell lets us have sex and why can’t we do it semi-responsibly?

Be careful with where you stick things, leave ANIMALS OUT OF THIS, always know where the safety releases… or keys for that matter, are, and do your best to make sure you’re not a call we’ll remember for years to come.

-Cordelia can be reached at: cordeliamichaelson@gmail.com

and at @CMichaelsonblog