Cordelia is back with a part two to her first blog, sex stories from the er!
Sex SNAFU’s… as told by an EMT.
What you guys don’t know from my last blog post is that after graduating from college I perused my EMT license. Of course we always get the “what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen?” question (if you’re one of those people… stop… right now) but no one ever asks us what the best/funniest/most outrageous thing we’ve ever seen was.
Check out Part 1 of Sex Stories from the ER HERE!
Here’s part two.
1.) “I ran a call once where a guy had an electric toothbrush stuck in his ass. It was on, only the handle was out…it was really stuck up there.”
2.) “A girlfriend when I was 19 wanted to do the chocolate sundae thing with my manhood. She heated the entire bottle of Hershey’s chocolate syrup in the microwave. (I still don’t know how long). She poured it on my manhood area without checking it like you would a baby bottle and gave me 2nd degree burns. At the time, I worked for a private transport service and knew every ED nurse for a 25 mile radius. I made her drive me 150 miles to an ED. Needless to say the relationship didn’t last much longer, thank God!!!”
More to share
3.) “I had one when I was working in an ER. Lady comes in, septic…abdominal CT shows mass in public region. Turns out 2 weeks earlier – she went on a date and it went well. When things got hot and heavy, no condom could be found. She decided shoving a potato in her vagina would be a good idea…when she couldn’t get it out she said “eh, screw it” and left it in there till it almost killed her.”
4.) “My ex was riding me like a bucking bronco. She got a little bit too excited and my dick got pulled out, she sat right down on it head first into her taint. I thought I broke my penis and went to the ER in extreme pain.”
5.) “One of our frequent fliers super glues his pee hole shut. Apparently, he enjoys the pain of ripping it of.”
6.) “Have you seen the guy with the eel up his ass yet, no? Watch it with caution…” (Guys, I watched it. Please don’t stick a damn eel up your ass, I guess this guy ended up with a perforated bowel because of it.)
Your ass is a trap!
7.) “Ran a call last night with a guy who had a screwdriver lodged in his asshole…handle out.”
8.) “Glass coke bottle in the anus. Pt attempted to fish it out with a metal hanger.”
9.) “20 year old male decided to use a cock ring for the first time. Left it on for 12 hours and went to the ER for severe penile and testicular edema. Took him to a level one trauma center and when the “enlarged appendage” between his legs was revealed you could see the cock ring……it was metal. I told him that if he wants to experiment with his genitals use rubber, silicone, or latex….something you can cut off at him with a pair of scissors. Found out a week later from the trauma doc that the kid lost all function of his genitals due to severe trauma from the ring”
11.) Called to an apartment complex, girl is waiting for us at the door, doesn’t even let us close the door when she says: “I’ll be honest with you guys, I sucked his dick too hard and ripped it”. She sucked so hard that she ripped the frenulum. Bleeding was light, gave him dressings to put on his dick, declined the stair chair and walked to the cot.
Be careful with where you stick things, leave ANIMALS OUT OF THIS, always know where the safety releases… or keys for that matter, are, and do your best to make sure you’re not a call we’ll remember for years to come.
-Cordelia can be reached at: cordeliamichaelson@gmail.com
and at @CMichaelsonblog
