Sex Stories from the ER – Part 6
Cordelia Michaelson
Sassmaster whose life revolves around horses and crime shows.
So you thought that was the last of sex stories from the ER?
Back by popular demand! Let’s dive in and see what sexcapades brought people back to the ER this time: (Stories collected from multiple EMTs and medics from around the globe)
Check out Sex Stories from the ER – Part 5 HERE.
Disclaimer: seriously people,you need to stop sticking stuff where it shouldn’t go. It would save you a lot of trouble…. a lot… || part two: these are edited for clarity.
1.)
Once had a Pt call for an anal laceration…. she states she fell on a glass bud light bottle. And the laceration “got bigger overnight” and now thinks she needs stitches. Husband said she was walking around and fell…. shoves the bottle in my face, full of pink poop on the whole neck of the bottle. The bottle wasn’t broken…
2.)
Transported a truck driver who had a toilet brush up his rectum for pleasure. Went to pull it out and couldn’t. The HOOKED end of the handle of the brush was caught inside. He had driven that way for quite a few miles till he couldn’t take the pain any longer.
3.)
Rough sex and blood thinners don’t mix. Lights were off and each of us had thought the other had… you know… finished. Nope! After soaking 2 bath towels and looking like we’d murdered someone in the apartment we thought it best to go to the er. Worst part was, future hubby, which st the time we’d only been dating 6 months was drunk off his ass and I had to drive myself!
4.)
A guy stuck a rose down his cock to be all romantic for Valentine’s day! But forgot to take the thorns off! This became a problem when he tried to pull the rose out and tore his urethra to shreds! (This.. is… not… romantic… also, apparently he only made it to the first thorn but still.)
5.)
This is a true story! I was dropping off a pt at the er when a car came flying into the ambulance bay. The woman driver got out and ran to the passenger side. By this time, security was there. I also recognized the woman. I started walking over as they put the male passenger in a wheelchair. He holding his “package”. I could hear her screaming “I broke his dick!” So I stopped walking towards her and went with my own business. Come to find out, she was riding him a little too rough and literally broke his penis. He had to have surgery the next day to repair the muscle and vascular. Every time I see them, it’s so hard not to ask how the surgery went. They still have no clue I know.
6.)
Not necessarily sex but I responded to local college dorms for reported foot pains. I get there and find this 20 some year old freshman. Real reason for the call was his “balls were hurting like super bad.” He starts rattling on-and-on about how he was raised a Christian and had never touched himself and that pre-marital sex was a sin so he’d never partook of that certain forbidden fruit. He tells me that a female that he liked came over and “grinded” on him for a bit then left and now he’s hurting real bad.
Little man had blue balls. I told him he just needs to go yank it in the bathroom. He refused. Started talking about how masturbation was a sin. That it was a form of pride which was definetly a sin and that if he touched himself God would smite him.
I had fun giving that bedside report.
7.)
Called for the “injured victim” Arrived on scene to find a panicking male hobbling to the ambulance in a T shirt and his tighty whiteys with a female in tow, begging for my help. His hands were stuffed down his underwear with paper towels poking out the waist band.
I asked him what’s wrong. He tells me he would rather talk inside the ambulance. Ok fine. I let him in and he hobbles right to the cot and sits down. In a near panic he pleads for me to save him. At this point he is hyperventilating. So I ask the woman what happened. She immediately starts to blush. She tells me he had a Prince Albert and they were having sex. She then tells me that when she comes she uncontrollably spasms and the Prince Albert ripped out. I turn my attention back to him at which point all I’m thinking is how much pain he must be having.
I guarantee my facial expression did nothing to calm his fears. We started to treat him at which point the woman says “There’s something else, we can’t find it.” To which I replied “Oh so you’re a patient too!” For all those wondering it was located and removed at the hospital without further injury.
8.)
Kinda fits: 92 YO male masturbating at his desk to a 70s girly magazine. To get himself in a good viewing position, he had 5 pillows on his chair. As he achieved his goal, he slipped off the pillows. On the way down stuck his arm in an open drawer and basically ring-barked it. Didn’t want to go to the hospital, but was more or less forced to by his daughter.
