Back again with another installment of Sex Stories from the ER…

1.)

I had a call for a vaginal bleed. When we got there this woman was laying spread eagle, butt naked on the bed with a decent amount of blood on the sheets  Her boyfriend said:

“So I was fingering her and i got so hard because she was so wet. When I started fucking her it was like puddles and shit. I turned on the light and thought I’d killed her”.

As he is talking to me I happened to look down at his hand and this MF HAD FUCKING TALONS FOR FINGERNAILS!!! With my gloved hand, I grabbed his hand, and held it up. I asked her why she would let any man near her lady bits with those nails. She literally told me that she liked the pain, but hadn’t bled that much before. She asked if she needed to go to the hospital. I promptly replied “yes ma’am because the inside of your vagina probably looks like hamburger”

2.)

Another call came over as an in bleed. this 60 something woman called 911 cause blood was pouring out of her butt hole. Show up and shes naked in bed in the middle of a crime scene. Theres a naked like 19 20 yr old nerdy kid in the corner.. only speaks Russian covered in shame. Apparently this kids been butt fucking granny for a while and destroyed her butthole. Went to the hospital with her too

3.)

18 y/o F with allergic reaction. Took her from her college and asked what if she had any known allergies. She didn’t. Went down the list asking about changes in laundry, detergent, birth control, food, makeup, ect, ect…. The next day my partner took her for the same thing but a worse reaction. She was swollen “down there” from an allergic reaction to the condoms. Her boyfriend went with for the ride of shame.

4.)

Guys Prince Albert got caught and the girls lip ring, had to be transported with it still in her mouth basically and covered with a sheet lol

5.)

I was playing with whip cream one night, did a superman jump from the doorway, slid off of my gal, head first off the bed and into a dresser, woke up with my ems coworkers standing over me as I was covered in whip cream, my gf at the time was absolutely horrified…

6.)

Coworkers Rolled up on a DOA in a hotel bathtub after being discovered by housekeeping.  Cock ring on, one dildo in his ass and a 2nd in his hand. Can’t figure out for the life me what the 2nd one was for.  Fortunately for us, the tub was empty and he met triple zero so they didn’t resuscitate. Oh, yeah, he was an employee of the hotel!

7.)

Working a code to look up at TV and saw I was in perfect sync with the gay porn on the TV. As the guy on TV pumped his partner I compressed the chest. It was a perfect 100 beats per minute. Code was induced by amyl nitrate “poppers” and a wild evening in.

You guys really need to stop doing things to get yourselves hurt lol. Although, that said, these stories are hilarious and will be talked about for a loooong time. I’m glad some of these EMTs have the humor to post their own stories as well!