Cordelia is here with some sex education about open relationships.
Instead of my usual blogs, I’ve decided to reach out to couples in different kind of sexual relationships. I’m still pretty fresh in the sex world (much to my dismay… ;)) but I have a curiosity about different types of relationships outside of the usual spousal relationships. Below is an interview with a woman involved in an open relationship.
How long have you and your partner been involved in an open relationship?
We have been in an open relationship for approximately seven years, but he’s known since our first date that I am bi-sexual and wanted an open relationship.
How long have the two of you been together? Are you married? Do you have a family?
We have been happily married for over twenty years and we have a teenage son headed to college.
Are you a heterosexual or homosexual couple? Do you seek same-sex or opposite sex partners in your open relationship?
I am bi-sexual and my husband is strictly heterosexual. We seek female partners for threesomes and I can have casual male or female partners. He doesn’t want any female partners and prefers to enjoy them with me only. This is his personal preference and I will respect his choice if it changes, which I hope does.
How do you not get jealous or how do you handle jealousy from your partner?
Jealousy is a natural emotion and communication is the only way to deal with it. Each person must be willing to admit to the feelings and dig to understand why they are feeling them. Is it a personal insecurity or has the casual partner elicited some unknown fear? You have to face it head on and discuss it as a couple.
What is the appeal of an open relationship? Are you in an open relationship because something is missing from yours?
The appeal of an open relationship is having the security of a loving relationship, but being able to still enjoy others. It’s often difficult for people in traditional relationship’s to understand that nothing is missing. Having a sexual encounter with another person is just a bonus, not a necessity. It’s no different than going to an ice cream store and choosing one of the different flavors. Mint Chocolate Chip may be your all time favorite, but you might want to taste Strawberry every once in a while.
You can’t live without Mint Chocolate Chip because it brings you comfort, love and everything you have ever imagined. But, sometimes you just want something else and that’s acceptable in an Open Relationship.
What are some complications that have come up?
The biggest complications we have had come up are finding appropriate partners that understand our parameters. For instance, if we meet a woman who is married, her husband must know. We don’t believe in cheating and will not interact with someone unless all parties are aware. If I meet a man I’m interested in, both my husband his wife must know. This is a sacred rule for us and I will speak with the spouse before anything happens.
How do you meet other people? Do they know you’re in a relationship?
Breaking into the scene is the most difficult aspect to meeting people. You can go to parties to dip your toes into the pool, but once you have made friends it’s easy to find more friends. We only play with others that are married or have been in a long-standing relationship. We always wear our wedding rings when interested in finding a new partner.
Do you guys have rules in place like, not meeting up with the same person more than once or things like that?
We do have rules in place, such as all parties must be aware of relationship status, last blood test and any drug use or diseases. Yes, we discuss this prior to any interaction for safety. No secrecy is allowed and if someone is hooking up, it is discussed prior to meeting.
How would you recommend someone ‘dips their toes’ into having an open relationship and how can they approach their partner with something like that without making their partner feel insignificant?
This is a very difficult question because each person is different. If you are bi-curious or bi-sexual, your best bet is to communicate that information to your mate as soon as you know it. They get to decide if they are willing to accept you as you are and if they aren’t, you get to decide how to proceed. Unless it’s been previously discussed, it can be very difficult to ask a committed Alpha male or female to share. It can be done, but one must communicate and go very slow.
Has being in an open relationship ever been a regrettable thing/threatened your relationship and if it was, how did you guys put what happened behind you to continue doing it?
Getting to our current place was the most difficult for us and it took nearly fifteen years. While my husband knew I was bi-sexual and wanted an open relationship, I’m not sure he completely understood until many years later. This caused resentment and hurt feelings on both sides. We went to couples counseling so we could express ourselves with a neutral party. This was very helpful in letting us both understand our insecurities and needs. We both worked tirelessly to understand one another and our marriage is actually much stronger because of it.
Do you actually spend the time getting to know them before it gets down to the nitty gritty or is it strictly sex?
We only play with friends, so while the sex is casual, we always get to know them first. We don’t pick up people in bars and do one night stands. We also don’t catch feelings and get weird. LOL! We have sex, then go back to hanging out. I can go shopping with a partner, have sex, then go back to shopping like nothing ever happened. It’s the way I am wired.
In your opinion, what is the most common misconception of being in an open relationship?
I love this question! The most common misconception of being in an open relationship is that something is missing and we aren’t happy in our marriage. This couldn’t be further from the truth for us. We have sex with each other 3-5 times a week and our family comes first. Any outside fun is secondary to our everyday lives. If you knew us in real life, you would have no idea we are in an Open Relationship.
Any advice or anything you’d like someone who is unfamiliar with open relationships?
Yes, start reading up on Swinger’s, Open Relationships and Polygamy. Outsiders often get the three confused and think we are just casually having sex with everyone, hate ourselves, are cheaters and have no self respect. While that may describe some people who are in the lifestyle, and many not in the lifestyle, it certainly doesn’t describe everyone.
Also, this lifestyle should be a choice by two consenting adults and no one should feel pushed into it. Don’t let anyone talk you into something you don’t want to do. If you want to be in an Open Relationship, be true to yourself and start communicating with your partner.
Check out this other blog from Cordelia interviewing someone about Sex After Kids HERE.
