20 Important Conversations for your Partner
Cordelia Michaelson
Sassmaster whose life revolves around horses and crime shows.
Cordelia is here to bring up the important sex education questions you should ask your partner!
So I understand that talking to your partner and being up front is sometimes a really hard thing to do. Whether you’re embarrassed, you’re simply not sure how to bring a topic up, you’ve had someone react negatively in the past, there’s endless reasons of why you might be nervous. Regardless, it’s still really important to have some of the conversations I’m about to talk about below.Maybe with a one night stand these topics aren’t something you’d bring up and I get that but long term partners whether it’s your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife or just a fuck buddy, you should really sit down and hash some things out.
1.) Turn Ons
I know it’s really fun to let someone explore your body and figure that out on your own but sometimes it’s perfectly fine to say ‘Hey, I really liked it when you….” or “It really gets me going when you…” Hell, your partner might do something and you may not have even known you liked that beforehand – Tell them! Remember, people like to be told what they’re doing right, not just what they’re doing wrong.2.) Turn Offs
Just as important as it is to talk about things you like, I think it’s even more important to talk about what you don’t like. Sometimes the fun of of sex is the exploration but you might not always enjoy what you try. Some people are super into anal play, some really aren’t. Speak up, don’t keep doing something that makes it uncomfortable. It’s not worth making sex a negative thing for you. That can happen. Don’t suffer silently through something you hate because your partner likes it, for all you know, they don’t and they think that you like it.
3.) Talk about positions.
Seriously, sometimes certain positions can be really painful. I deal with chronic pain from an injury as well as ovarian cysts. Certain positions hurt way too much, whether it’s my shoulder or lady parts. It’s important to speak up when something like that happens. “Hey, can we move around? My x hurts” or “Can you not go so deep, it’s really bothering me.” It doesn’t always have to be something drawn out but a mention isn’t going to be a buzzkill, I promise!4.) Your fantasies!
Whether you actually act them out or not, it can be really, really sexy to hear what’s going on in your partners mind. Like my partner and I would never take part in a threesome but it’s a reoccuring fantasy of mind and can sometimes be part of some really dirty talk and it turns us both on. Sometimes watching a porn based on your fantasy can help the both of you get going.5.) Protection
Don’t just assume your girl is on the pill and don’t just assume he’s got condoms. You’re both equally responsible for protecting yourselves.6.) Potential STDS
Don’t EVER be the person that hides their STD from your partner. Don’t put their health at risk because you might be embarrassed. Currently, 25 states have laws against not disclosing your positive HIV status with sexual partners. (This goes for all STDS though. Seriously, some of them can make people extremely sick.)7.) Sexting
Sexting and nudes are all fun and games until someone screenshots and sends to someone that has no business seeing your partners naked body. Make sure you have firm lines with things like this.8.) Past sexual trauma
I know this is an extremely hard topic but this is something incredibly important to talk to your partner about. It could help avoid some extremely negative situations during sex.9.) The amount of sex you’re having
It’s important to talk about your sex drives. I understand that life changes and so does your drive but it’s important to bring that up with your partner. My sex drive dropped dramatically between the pain and mediations I was on and I hid that from my partner and it really hurt him.10.) The Cheating conversation
What do you consider cheating? Actually fucking another person, talking to another person about sexual things, sending photos, etc, etc. Lay out the lines with your partner.11.) Label/Rules
it’s also important to lay out the lines of whether your relationship is monogamous or if you want to try an open relationship. That said, if you decide to have an open relationship, you really need to have rules and both of you need to know and respect them or it’ll never work.12.) Threesomes/group sex
I think a lot of us have this fantasy but it may not be something your partner actually wants to take part in. Tawney wrote a great blog a few weeks back about approaching the conversation of a threesome – check out this blog .13.) Know each other’s love languages
this could go a loooooooong way in the bedroom. I recently read The Five Love Languages after a friend suggested it when my partner and I were going through some heavy stuff and it truly helped us.
14.) Our sex drives and desires
They change over time. It’s a good idea to talk to your partner every so often (six months, a year, whenever) and just see where you’re at. Have your sexual desires changed? Are there things you want to try now? Talk about it! I was a virgin when my boyfriend and I started dating and I can tell you my sexual interests have evolved significantly from six years ago.15.) Talk about consent!
Whether you’re a one night stand, a friend, a fuck buddy, a husband/wife, boyfriend/girl, consent is extremely important. It can change not just from sexual encounter to sexual encounter by while you’re in the middle of the act. LISTEN to your partner, especially when the word ‘no’ comes out.16.) If you’re into BDSM…
and other fetishes/kinks – DISCUSS those kinks with your partners beforehand. Have a sex word, stop if your partner gets uncomfortable.17.) Talk to your partner about sexual health
Not just about STDS, there are so many sexual health topics to talk to your partner about – Ovarian cysts/endo pain, cum tastes, STDs, the list goes on and on.18.) Toys
Talk to your partner about toys you want to play with or don’t want to play with. I was SO embarrassed to talk about them at first but once we brought them into the bedroom and added them into our sex romps, it opened a lot of doors. There are so many out there – dildos, vibrators, bullets, cock rings, butt plugs, whips, handcuffs, strap ons…there’s sooo many. Do some research, go on some sites, see what you might be into. They can be a lot of fun. And ladies? If your man talks to you about wanting toys on him, don’t discourage him! Don’t make it weird, I promise, there’s potential to make things REALLY fun!19.) Foreplay
Talk about foreplay and what works for you and what doesn’t – for some people it’s oral, for some it’s kissing, for some it’s sending dirty texts throughout the day until you get home and fuck each others brains out.20.) Porn
Don’t just talk about porn to explore your fantasies but to understand your partner. As I mentioned above, I was a virgin when I met my boyfriend and back then I was super insecure so when I found porn on his phone, I got super upset over it. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. It’s not a conversation everyone would think to have but having been on the ‘this made me feel like shit’ side of things, it might be worth bringing up.Now that I gave you some things to talk/think about, keep in mind… don’t drop these bombs on your partner if they’re already having bad day. It might turn into a fight if it’s a more negative or sensitive topic.
Make sure you’re having these conversations in a safe, appropriate space. Don’t wait until right before bed or when your partner is falling asleep. If you feel like you can’t have this conversation face to face, try texting it or emailing it, whatever works…hand written note, whatever.
Sometimes I have a hard time communicating and my boyfriend and I can hash things out better via text. I’m Irish and Polish – loud, hot tempered and defensive. I can’t always tone down my loud voice and I can be overwhelming. Do what works for you and your partner.
I hope this may help some of you!
To reach Cordelia:
Cordeliamichaelson@gmail.com | Twitter: CMichaelsonblog
