Delilah is here with some BDSM basics and sex education!

Sexual adventures are somewhat taboo in our world. Today I want to talk about the basics of BDSM. I recently took a free quiz that breaks down your sexual desires into categories and percentages. The longer version of the test took me approximately 20 minutes and covered topics like age-play, pet-play, dom/sub and sadism/masochism.

It is directed more for those who are interested in kink, but there’s an option to take the less dense version to just dip your toe in the proverbial pool of exploration. After discussing my results with my husband, we concluded that they are pretty damn accurate. If you’re looking to explore some new experiences with a partner, taking the quiz and showing them your results could be a great conversation starter!

Safety

Safety first! When you’re exploring kinks or new sexual experiences, think about what you’ll be doing to the body and the possible injuries that could come about. If you’re tying a partner up (with anything) ALWAYS have a quick release strategy. My husband and I have multiple pairs of Temptasia Bondage Scissors wherever we play.

If you want to explore choking, DO YOUR RESEARCH! Choking can be extremely hot, but it can be dangerous. First off, NEVER press on the front of the neck. The windpipe can fracture under five pounds per square inch! Check out this blog post about choking during sex.

It’s always better to be safe than sorry, so make sure you have all your bases covered!

Communication

Communication in any relationship is vital. The lack of communication leaves a lot of guess-work for you or your partner. If there isn’t communication, there’s very little foundation for a relationship to grow on.

In exploring kinks or new sexual adventure, take time to talk to your partner about concerns and expectations. Before even bringing the rope out, talk about hard limits, concerns, safety and anything else that comes to mind. Without research and clear communication, a session can turn to torture in a second.

A safe word is always a good idea. My husband and I use “red”- hard stop, something is wrong and “yellow”- I’m approaching my limit. If you gag your sub, make sure there is a physical sign for STOP. Never be afraid to communicate how things are feeling. There’s no shame in reaching a limit or being concerned for your comfort and safety.

“Harper’s poetry is honest, beautiful, razor sharp, thought provoking, funny, insightful, warm and friendly. After closing the back flap I just wanted to hug her and say thank you. I was sincerely moved.”

– Benjamin Peters, Amazon Review

Trust & Research

In a sub/dom, slave/master or pet/owner relationship there needs to be trust- period. Personally one of my favorite things about being a submissive is relinquishing control. I have a Dom that I trust without question. I can trust him because he’s proven to me he will respect my boundaries and has done research into how to safely embark on new experiences.

If you want to try impact play (spanking, flogging, paddles, etc.) think about the tools you’ll want to try. Impact toys have a wide range of feeling on the skin. If you start to explore different toys you might find you or your partner prefer “thuddy” impact over the sting of a cane. Through play and over time, I’ve discovered I prefer the thud of a large flogger over the concentrated sting of a riding crop. Everybody is different!

If you want to practice shibari, learn some basic ties before tying up your partner so you can go into the session with confidence. Using a simple hand tie can be enough to bring an entirely different feel to the session. There’s no need to over complicate things the first go! Even after years of play, my husband and I use a simple hand bind the most. In any bondage or impact play scenario, think about safety and how you’ll communicate. An open line of communication goes a long way in building trust between a sub and a dom.

Aftercare

Aftercare is huge in any emotional or rough play. This is a part of BDSM, or really any sexual act, that is crucial. Aftercare could be anything from cuddles, to washing your partner. It’s about seeing and fulfilling your partner’s emotional and physical needs. There were a few sessions we tried to really push the limits and I ended up struggling with my emotions. Take time to cuddle, caress, kiss it all better- whatever it is you have to do to show your partner you appreciate them.

My favorite aftercare is showering with my dom. He’ll wash me, tell me words of affirmation, and then we take a well deserved nap! The aftercare routine will grow differently for each sub, but I recommend starting with soft touches and cuddles. If something still isn’t right, talk it out. Talk about the session; what worked and what was too much?

Conclusion

So, to sum it up, start with a conversation, do your research and build trust, take time to care for your partner and alwasy practice safe sex! There’s an entire world of desire waiting to be explored. My husband and I chose to explore it together and it’s been a treat.

There are no stupid questions, just remember you and your partner are on the journey together. If you feel awkward – that’s okay! Confidence will come with time and you, and your partner, will grow with each other.